Emily...Chapter 2

Chapter 2

Way Back When

Pain. The headache began in her right temple and shot straight into her right eyeball. Perfect, it’s going to be one of those days.  

At exactly twelve noon, the shrill bell rang to announce the onset of lunchtime. The animated drove of students congregated in the cafeteria to begin their social rituals. They huddled in cliques, sipping on soda, faking their smiles, faking their cool, faking their happiness — the ever-present pretense of an adolescent. At a quarter-past twelve, Emily, Rachel, Anna, and Ian agreed they’d had enough of school for the day. There was only so much they could take of people. They were loners, outsiders, misfits. And they were drawn to each other, banded together. It was them against the world.

They walked in the sweltering September heat, through the orchard maze behind their high school, until they reached the alleyway that led directly to Anna’s house. Anna lived seven blocks from school and had parents who worked all day and never inquired after her daily activities. This made her house the perfect target for truants.

They went directly into their lair of solitude, a collection of fifty dense velvet mesquite trees behind Anna’s pretentiously impressive home on the two-and-a-half-acre lot. Emily sat at her favorite fallen tree, breathless and sweat-drenched. She watched the boy she obsessed over roll his joint. His dark waves brushed the top of his strong shoulders and shielded his hypnotizingly-solemn brown eyes. He wore a faded black heavy-metal-band t-shirt with ragged blue jeans. His combat boots were scuffed and unlaced. She imagined he read classic novels and wrote profoundly-affecting poetry about life. He was perfect, except for his one major flaw — he was in love with Anna.

Anna, petite and curvaceous, was the kind of girl who turned self-assured boys into babbling idiots. She had dramatic almond-shaped brown eyes and a smile that could penetrate the hardest heart. 

Emily had always envied Anna, but on days like these, when Anna’s perfection showed so glaringly, Emily despised her. How can I compete with this chick? She doesn’t even sweat! Anna sat on the ground rummaging through her bag, her deep brown curls hanging over her slender, tanned arms. Not one hair out of place, not one drop of sweat on her blemish-free bronzed skin.

How the hell is it humanly possible to look sexy in 95-degree heat? I smell like sour pits and stale pot and there she is smelling like strawberries and cream, Emily thought.

             “You want me to roll you one, Emily?” Ian interrupted her reverie. He handed off a thin joint to Anna. With a grimace, Emily tossed her thoughts aside and rejoined the scene around her.

She watched her friends struggling to connect with one another as they each sat lost in their own worlds. Emily wondered why they bothered trying to be in this relationship, this friendship, this normalcy. They were each so broken, each one irreparably cracked and leaking sadness.

And there he was, this boy, this human being that made her heart swell and falter. She hated it, couldn’t understand it, didn’t want it to be true. She’d known him forever, since kindergarten. She’d never paid much attention to him though, until they’d ended up in the same biology class and his hand had touched hers. It had been an accident, of course. They’d both reached for the same dissecting tool. Their hands had entangled, fingers wrapping awkwardly. It had felt odd to her, his hand, warm and slightly damp, soft and squishy. He’d looked into her eyes and laughed. She’d looked into his eyes and wilted.

Emily kept her hands behind her back, never reaching out for anyone. She hated touching people’s hands. Her hands were always damp with anxiety. So, she didn’t do it, not on purpose nor by accident, not to shake hands nor hold hands — except Rachel’s and her mother’s when she was little. She’d thought about her mother, the moment her hand touched Ian’s. She’d thought about how her mother would always try to hold her hand, hug her, caress her face. But Emily would shut down, close herself off from her mother’s love. She felt her ever-present wave of regret — regret for everything she’d ever done and regret for things she knew she’d do. That was the day she’d felt the most intense regret, the regret of having rejected every attempt at affection from her mother. It had felt amazing, the human contact with Ian. She’d lost her heart to Ian that day and had wanted more than anything to touch his hand again.   

Ian was completely oblivious to Emily’s breaking heart as he sat perched atop Anna’s red icebox they had filled with diet soda and some kind of liquor Rachel had pilfered from her house.

            “Sure,” Emily replied flatly, and left Anna’s side to join Rachel on a hammock. Rachel was Emily’s best friend. Rachel had always had a way of fixing Emily’s troubles. Emily had always had troubles that needed fixing. Emily suspected Rachel’s loyalty to her stemmed from pity. She was aware that her appearance — sallow skin, sunken eyes, and hollowed-out cheeks — evoked a sense of emptiness. She often felt it herself when she looked in a mirror. She felt it now, as she yearned to be someone else, someone who was attractive and confident. Someone Ian could love. Not what she was, a shell of a human that no one could ever love. Although the day was hot and humid, she trembled lightly.

Rachel held Emily’s hand as they swayed to the rhythm of the music pouring out of the radio on the ground. Emily wished so desperately that it was Ian’s hand she was holding. She conjured up the feelings from the day they’d accidentally touched. Her heart fluttered and she unconsciously smiled. She immediately felt guilty for the thought and made a conscious effort to be grateful that Rachel wasn’t repulsed by her soggy hand and held on to her, never letting go to wipe the puddle of sweat away.

“You guys mind if I play some of the music I brought?” Ian asked. He had taken his place beside Anna on the tree.

Rachel carried her CD player with her religiously. They all agreed music heightened the experience of getting high. It filled the void of silence as their trips individualized and they withdrew into themselves.

“Go for it,” Anna said. “What do you have?”

“Just some stuff,” he said as he lithely went through the motions of inserting a CD into the player. A song started. “This one’s my favorite.” 

It was a melodic rhythm; poetically wistful, intensely serene. It was Emily’s favorite song, too.

Emily curled into Rachel’s arms. She loved Ian a little more just then, just because he loved her favorite song. Emily wished he’d love her, too. Her heart ached more than she ever thought it could when Ian absently handed her and Rachel a joint and then walked deeper into the woods with Anna. The ache in her heart was excruciating. She lay there daydreaming about the moment he would look at her and like her instead of Anna. A smile was forming on her lips when she heard the murmurs and rustling.        

 “Dude! Can you believe I can hear them doing it?” Emily said, her voice strained through artificial chuckles.

She turned to Rachel and found her lost in her own thoughts. A wide smile on her overburdened young face. Emily felt an instant pang of guilt for pulling Rachel away from a happy place, for taking away her smile and giving her back her sad face.

“Is that what it sounds like?” Rachel finally said. All signs of joy dispelled along with her daydream.

“Yes,” Emily said. “I can’t even believe it. Since when the hell does she like him anyway?” She stared pensively at the brittle bark of the lifeless collapsed tree. She wondered if it had died on its own or had been killed by human hands. She felt like that tree; a lifeless, brittle body with nothing inside. She wished she was that tree. Dead.

“Rachel, I’m sad. Sometimes, I want to die,” she whispered.

“Because of him?” Rachel sat up and glared at her.

“No, because of me,” Emily said.

“You can’t die, Em. What would I do without you? You wouldn’t leave me here all alone, would you?” Rachel said dejectedly.

“No Rach, I wouldn’t. I won’t kill myself. I couldn’t. I don’t have the guts for that. It’s just sometimes when I go to sleep, I don’t want to wake up. Sometimes I even wish or pray or beg to not wake up.”

“You can’t die. I won’t let you. Besides, if you die, I die. Then we’d have no more fun,” Rachel said.

Emily laughed halfheartedly.

“You should have told her, Em, that you liked him, back when they first started hanging out,” Rachel said, having noticed the distant look in Emily’s eyes.

“It doesn’t even matter. He’s too good for me, anyway. I can’t even stop sweating and shaking. How would I ever touch him or kiss him? I couldn’t do what she does. I’m too gross to touch. He’d laugh at me or vomit.”

Rachel lifted an eyebrow at this comment. “You’re insane, Em. How can you be gross? You are not gross. I’m hugging you right now and you are not gross.”

“I smell like pickles. He’s not an idiot, Rachel. He knows I love him. He chose her because she’s hot and I’m gross. And Anna knows it, too. She just doesn’t give a shit ‘cuz she’s a damned slut. I never stood a chance with him, not with her around,” Emily said.

“Oh Em, you’re a nut and you’re beautiful. You are. You just need to see what we see,” Rachel said.

“What you see. No one else sees it. I just want to disappear.”

“I know. I want to disappear too, sometimes. A lot of times. But I don’t, because I know you need me, and I need you. If you disappear, I disappear. If I disappear, you disappear. Then what would the world do without the two of us chipper girls spreading our joy around?” Rachel said.

Emily giggled, for real this time, “True, everyone would be lost without us.”

 “So, no more talk of this dying business. Okay?” Rachel waited for an answer before whispering, “Are you done with all this Ian crap?”

“Of course. It’s not like I have a choice either way. We did just have an audible live feed to a goddamn porn show.” She crammed all her words into one shaky breath.

“Good girl. Let the fucker go.” She hugged Emily. “Now pass me the lighter, will ya?”

Rachel knew Emily better than anyone else did or ever could. She knew Emily was trying to be strong, trying to subdue the hurt. She’d always done that during tough situations. It was easier to do that than to allow herself to feel the hurt. But Rachel could see Emily desperately struggling to fend off the pain that crept into the deepest regions of her heart. Emily’s body visibly shuddered against the coldness of her insides, which seeped out onto her sweat-drenched skin.

Just as Rachel and Emily were finishing off their smokes, Anna and Ian rejoined them.

“Hey guys, what’s up?” Anna asked, looking disheveled but composed.

“Nothing at all. I have no need to ask you what’s up ‘cuz we already had an audible live feed,” Rachel teased, thinking it better to just get everything out in the open.

“Shut up, stupid,” Anna said, her eyes still dreamy as her cheeks tinted a beautiful shade of rosy pink. Emily wondered what it felt like to be so pretty… so perfect. Ian stood behind Anna; his arms wrapped around her perfectly shaped body, his chin on her shoulder. It was such an intimate embrace.

How do they know to do this…to be like this…to act like this? Emily wished it could be her that he held… that he liked.   

Emily shot out of the hammock; her emotions had malformed into acidic eruptions in her stomach. She ran a few feet away where she violently vomited four times. Her body shivered and burned. Her insides clenched fiercely, as though she’d swallowed boiling grease and it was now hardening inside her intestines.

Anna and Ian began to follow her, but Rachel stopped them. “Just leave her alone,” she said possessively. “I’ll go get her in a little while.”

“What happened?” Ian asked. He seemed genuinely concerned, and apparently genuinely oblivious to Emily’s feelings for him.

“She just smoked too much.”

“Oh, it sucks when that happens,” Anna said.

“So, for reals, what’s up with you guys?” Rachel said.

“Nothing,” Anna said, smiling.

“I’m her boyfriend,” Ian said, with a contented grin.

Rachel could see why Anna would fall for him, as Emily had. He concentrated intently on the person he was talking to and the words they were saying. His charm and confidence were comforting and inviting.

Who could resist? My poor Emily’s heart doesn’t stand a chance against this guy. And Anna, well, she gives boys what they want, and they take it. 

Emily returned and rolled onto the hammock. Rachel hugged her.

“Are you okay, dude?” Anna asked.

“Yup, just smoked too much.”

“Yeah, Rachel told us. You want me to get you a soda? Maybe you should eat something. Anna’s got chips and all kinds of other shit in her bag,” Ian said.

“No, I’m all right. I’m just gonna chill here for a bit. Well, actually, I can use some gum. Does anybody have any?” Emily said. Anna retrieved a pack of chewing gum from her bag and handed everyone a piece.

“What do you guys want to do now?” Anna asked.

“It’s almost time to go back,” Ian said.

“Let’s take a nap,” Emily said, and closed her eyes to the sunbeams streaking past the shading trees.

“Screw it,” Rachel said, “Let’s.”

“Sweet dreams, then,” Ian said.

“Sweet dreams,” everyone said in unison.

“Somebody put on a good song,” Emily said through a yawn.

Ian replayed his favorite song, and they dozed off.

Anna and Ian slept stretched out on a pile of dead, crisp leaves against the fallen tree, cuddling. Rachel snored gently and steadily in Emily’s ear. Emily, resigned to accept her life as it was, slept deeply and dreamless in the afternoon heat, swaying undisturbed on the hammock, cradled in her best friend’s arms.

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